I Run Gaming Servers And...
“I play with myself on my own server.”
Nice Hat
Rio: Nice Hat…
Joe: You’re welcome.
Footnotes Are Awesome
Portfolioso: like how funny would a book be
Portfolioso: if [you’re reading a book and] see a 3 superscript [next to a sentence]
Portfolioso: go down
Portfolioso: and it’s just like
Portfolioso: “suck it”
Splash!
“Splash your ass.” - Referencing a Killing Floor map with the context-name “-V8splash”
Jeans
“My pants fall a lot”
Retelling the Epic Fail Story
“Dont blow ass on the toilet cause it doesn’t fuckin get you bitches!”
KF-420 Ganja Farm
“Rio, get your black ass back in this weed pit” -Screamed over Ventrilo
Look at this squirrel
Image Courtesy of Colithika
“Holy shit! Look at this mother fuckin’ squirrel! Jawsus, that is one bad ass fuzzy motha fucker. That player got so much ass it completely dropped dead. Fuck! You ain’t never seen so many hos choking that jock ass throughout his pimp life. He’s all like stiff and shit like his pimp-assed dick. Sweet fuckballs, lightning came down and struck that foo dead. But fuck, look at that position this dude died in. He was like “look at these fuckin balls, son.” All those wimminz squiggz were munchin’ all over those big ballbags. This fucking squirrel is legend and you shits better pay respect”
Typing Test
On a school computer, there was a words per minute widget, so Joe typed:
“Once upon a time, there was a man who liked to suck dick. And then he said wnjoy”
(yes, I do realize I spelled enjoy wrong. It’s part of the quote. Stop asking)
Lesbians
“There’s no such thing as lesbians. That’s just hot.”
Loud AC
John says something from across the room as I’m sitting next to a loud AC.
Me: “Sorry, I’ll be able to hear you better when this giant bitch gets out of my ear”
Wince
John: “Remember AOL 1.0 where it only authenticated the first 5 digits of a password and nothing else?”
Joe: “No, but you mean, if my password was wincest, I could log in with wince?”
White Castle
“That White Castle is goin’ through me. I can’t wait to drop some toilets”
Dammit
“This guys gotta move his chair, hes blocking my titties”
Sausage Fest
“It’s a sausage fiesta feast in here. It’s like Germany here”
Bunny runs across road...
“BUNNY!” -Joe
“Bunny bunny bunny bunny bunny!” -Joe and Rio
Spongy Bone
This Coffee Coolata looks like spongy bone. Do you know what spongy bone is? Do you know what it is? You guys are dumb” -Joe going on and on about spongy bone for like 10 minutes
All Joe Needs...
“Ass, titties, burpin’ and beer. What more could you want?”
Coffee vs Fruit Drinks
Dan: “Is that [Coffee Coolata] good?”
Joe: “Yeah”
Dan: “But does it have coffee in it?”
Joe: “Yeah”
Dan: “Oh, I don’t like coffee drinks”
Joe: “You can get a fruit one for your homo tree”
Jewish
Joe on spending money:
“Normally I’m Jewish but I don’t give a shit. Fuck it, you only live once”
Kangaskhan
Looking at the Alphabet chart of the letter letter K and picture of a camera in a Kindergarten classroom:
“Why is Kodak listed for K, it’s a brand name. Is that what they’re teaching kids? It should have a kangaroo or a Kangaskhan. Kids these days should know what a Kangaskhan is, right? Actually, maybe not since there are now 450 Pokemon”
Ball searching
(while on the phone with joe) “im in my basement searching for balls’
Taste of beer
(while talking to joe on the phone) ‘Is it bad that I just got a great taste of beer in my mouth and i wanna pound some beers??’
Why joe doesnt get women
“Wanna go outside and check out mah mom’s wheelz?”
Assman
“I slap everyone’s asses”
Red
In reference to the red colored dropping beans in Dr. Robotnick’s Mean Bean Machine: “I want to see some red pussy”
Flip a shit or...
“My mom would flip a dick if she knew about that”
Porkroll?
Show Me
“I’ll show you yours if you show me mine”
GMail
Joe- “Dude I like whack it to Gmail!”
Gotta piss!
Rio-”I have to piss”
Joe-”Alright so go take a fucking piss! What the fuck do you want from my life?!?”
Faygas
*someone says something about Vegas*
Joe-”‘Vegas? more like Faygas…wait we should invent a Faygus”
Marc-”…why?”
Joe-”for faygs!”
Happy Penor
Rio-”Joe, you make my penor happy.”
Joe-’What I say should not be making your penor happy, thank you.’
*everyone laughs*
Joe-’Wait I wasn’t kidding… It really shouldn’t
Yankees Lost
Sabathia was 6-1 with a 2.82 ERA in his previous 10 starts. Then we go [to the game] and he chomps on cock
Example Tweets
portfolioso (4:14:45 AM): if I tweeted “penis” he’d [reply with a useless tweet like] “@portfolioso ya. i has one” and no one else cares
portfolioso (4:15:27 AM): its not a real tweet. “i’m annoyed at my fucking computer right now” or “i want to tittyfuck this ho in the car next to me at this traffic light” those are real tweets
Slow Down...
“Guy, you’re driving like a… JESUS!”
Gas Station Antics
“He’s gotta squeegee his shit before candlelight.”
Slow Drivers
“Guy, need a boost?”
Johnny Rockets
Regarding waitress: “That chick likes to get tied down! I can tell just by looking at her.”
Tootsie-o
“holy shit i just shat a tootsie-o wait what?!?! also, twats”
Greatest Game
“Greatest game in the history of shit” - Joe talking about apples to apples or beer pong (i forgot which)
Bill Clinton
“I was tempted by Bill Clinton”
Fire Hydrant
“I think I’m gonna take a piss on that fire hydrant at the end of the year”
Liquid Penis
“Wouldn’t it be great to make a product called liquid penis. You pour it on someone’s chest and a penis pops out.” ~silence~ “Liquid penis, I could market that”
Metallica Ticket
“I want my ticket in my hand like a nice juicy ass” - on our way to Metallica concert
Ummmmm
“No! you reach around and touch me!”
Why I Flinch a Lot
“Sorry, I have scary reactions because I got my ass beaten up by a ho, but that’s not the point.”
Balls in Face
“Balls. In your face. Sloppily… I don’t know”
I Break Internet
Portfolioso: ya
Portfolioso: fukkerz
Portfolioso: its down down down
Portfolioso: i am convinced i break the internet
Portfolioso: whenever im using shit
Portfolioso: it goes down on me
Portfolioso: in the middle of everything
Metalmaniac714: well i can see pics ;)
Portfolioso: and no, thats not what she said